Short Story by Angel Carr, Senior

Between life and Death

by Angel Carr

Some stories end in tragedy some in fairytale but this just may be a mixture of both, you see my name is Yara and my life is far from perfect. Right now at this moment I’m already attempting suicide, I’m attempting suicide not because of some boy or some devious bully, I’m committing suicide because of myself and I know I can’t blame everything on myself but in this case I can. I don’t think life is worth living I mean we live in a crazy world where I can be killed by anyone, you can’t get into Lyft or Uber without praying that it won’t be a crazy serial killer, men are being more and more hateful towards women and goddamn Kanye is running for president. I mean what is this world?, a world of deception, jealousy, and most of all greed. I know that if I keep telling myself about the bad things in the world the more and more I don’t blame myself for my suicide. Everything seems to be falling out of place, I’m not the same anymore I used to be on top, the pretty girl, the popular girl that was voted most likely to be Elle Woods from Legally Blonde but the smart version, or so I hope that’s what they meant.

When I was younger my mother used to take me to the beach and I would lay in the sand and look at the waves crashing on the sand just back and forth, back and forth, and that’s just how my life feels my emotions crashing back and forth till one day they all will come crashing down which is why I’m doing what I’m doing. I’m committing suicide today and there’s absolutely nothing that anyone could do to stop me. If you wanna know about me you don’t have to pry I’m still here to tell you sheesh I’m not dead yet. So my mother is a psychiatrist and she is always coming home late from work and that’s fine I just wish she would slip me some happy pills, she’s very hardworking, and she loves The Cosby show reruns I just wish that our family was like the Cosby’s. We’re far from that but I have a dog named Oliver “Ollie” is his nickname he is the sweetest companion I’ve ever met I take him for walks, I feed him, and I love him. I rescued Ollie from a lamp post when I was 5 but now I’m 16 and Ollie is getting older. We get old together through every hard time, through every tear, through every battle Ollie has been there for me, my only friend, my best friend. I mean we watched the Incredibles together, and he’s been there through slumber  parties and all of my troubles. I still talk about him like he’s still with me but I know he’s not coming back.

Last summer I took Ollie to the park, his favorite park tied him to a pole so I can use the bathroom and I heard loud noises like “Grr” I heard a squeal and ran out and saw Ollie lying there in blood and coyotes running away. So I took him off the leash, picked him up and ran home as fast as I can because I can’t pay for a vet and of course my mother wasn’t home so I tried to save him I put as much pressure on the wound as I could but nothing was helping Ollie was dying and there was not much I could do about it so I sung to him as I was holding him. I sung a rendition of my girl by the temptations and replace it as “My boy” while heavily sobbing that was my first time I ever felt like my emotions were coming into place and I can see how much I cared for Ollie and how I wish he was still with me at a time like this. I bring Ollie up because Ollie would know what to do he’s seen me upset and always was there to make my day better. It’s hard to find someone to lean on and I don’t have my best friend anymore to help me. I feel like I’m suffocating myself by pretending I’m okay ever since Ollie’s death and so many other things that has been happening within me.

My mom took me to therapy when I was younger but it didn’t help I’ve always been someone who was in my shell and all of the friends I had turned their back on me because I’m not as popular as them. I walk around feeling sorry for myself because somehow it must be my fault why people walk into my life to just go away like my father. My father was a huge role model to me when I was little he was the glue that held our family together we did everything together and he loved my mother so much. What they had is what I like to call endless love the undying love he had for her was incredible I need to stop thinking of people that were in my life right now I’m in a bad place because of me, that’s all I can blame not Ollie or my dad just myself. I knew as a kid something was off in my head I always felt sad but since I was kid I didn’t pay attention to it all I knew was my dad was gone and I couldn’t get to see him anymore.

The days my mom was home she always ridiculed me over little things and it made me insecure which is part of the reason why I am like this today but the other half is I was diagnosed with depression at 12 and that’s a very young age and my mother thought I was crazy even though she diagnosed me with it so she used to give me “happy pills” to make me feel better I wish I had them right now.

My life is in such shambles just waiting to crumble around me my boyfriend recently broke up with me. The last thing my ex-boyfriend said to me was “ Hey babe it’s not you, it’s me”. I definitely knew it was me I mean how can someone just leave with no explanation there must be something wrong with me I know it and I know that I’m an emotionally draining person to be around always saying how ugly I look, always being introverted and always looking down. I always relied on my support systems for help but I always tell myself to never get too attached because I know I couldn’t handle myself when they finally leave.

My best friend left too, her name is Diana or should I say the new Elle Woods of our school the “Smart version” I see her everyday and I want to say hey because I just need someone to talk to I don’t because society says we are not socially compatible anymore it’s crazy how high school can drastically change everyone from their personalities, to appearance, and how they talk. I remember last week the closest I got to talking to Diana was accidently bumping into her in the lunch line and her yelling at me saying “Bitch”.

I’m sorry I can’t stay on topic to save my life and now I’m holding these 16 900 mg ibuprofens to numb my pain I’m at home in the bathtub reminiscing on my past then suddenly I heard a voice, not just any voice but my father’s voice I can’t believe it I jumped up and all I hear is “Yara don’t do it, I love you” I looked and said “Dad is that you?”. The next thing I know is I’m seeing my actual childhood the time when my father and I went to the park and danced around and him trying to fit on every seesaw he laid his eyes on, me eating vanilla ice cream cone with sprinkles and him biting almost the whole cone off. He then took me to an amusement park I’m 5 at this time he’s there with a funnel cake and Dippin’ Dots making me go on every carousel he saw he didn’t let me go on the big rides no matter how hard I begged him because he never wanted me to get hurt and that’s what I admired about my dad he always kept me safe from a world I felt was out to get me but the only person that is really out to get me is myself. I feel so insecure without my father in my life he is the greatest person I’ve ever known. He made me feel like I had a golden heart that I could do no harm and swore that I was going to become a famous writer one day.

I keep everything in my journal which I’m writing in as we speak I like to keep memories so when people find me they’ll have my backstory on why I had to do what I had to do. As my flashback of my father continues I think of the night we were coming home from the carnival he played his favorite song called All my life and he was just happily singing it when suddenly a huge semi was coming towards us on the highway he then swerved and all I remember is waking up with a headache and a flashlight flashing in my eye with a lot of first responders around the car. As they were taking me out of the car it was in a ditch and I kept saying “Daddy are you okay?” seeing him still in the car he said “Yeah, sweetheart I’m fine”. I don’t remember much after the accident happened, all I know is mother told me my father was dead. How can that be? We were just singing and laughing he can’t be dead I don’t even understand what that meant all I knew was he wasn’t coming back. I snap back to reality and here I am standing here with the pills in my hand writing down my final thoughts realizing that this isn’t what my father wanted, my father wanted me to be strong for him as much as he was for me I don’t feel like myself at times and it’s fine it’s just the stages of grief I’m going through.

I didn’t think that after almost a decade I’d still feel grief but how can I not feel this way I lost my best friend at a young age and I was and still am too young to process this. Maybe this is why I hate everything about myself, maybe this is why I isolate myself so much, maybe this is why I feel depressed, and how could I not know this what am I doing? These pills aren’t going to bring my father back and these pills going to bring myself back. I have to bring myself back and suddenly I felt a cold chill on my shoulder I turn around and it’s my father I know it is because he wrote “my sweetheart” on the mirror, mirrors don’t write on themselves and as I look into the mirror I see myself crying so much and I see the reflection of my father proud of me as I’m flushing those pills down the toilet. I’m glad I had a guardian angel watching me today what would I do without him and when I’m feeling like hating myself I know he’s there right beside me even if I can’t see him but I can feel him and that’s all that really matters to me so this isn’t going to be the ending but the start of a new chapter of my life of bettering myself so my father can be proud of the daughter he raised and that is worth living for.