Stream of Consciousness
by Cora Chavez
Late entry Wednesday, December 6
There’s so much that I want to write about, so much I want to say, but I haven’t been able to start or say anything because of two reasons: one, it’s TOO much. I have way too much to say and it’s completely overwhelming I don’t know where to start. And two, I’m so scared that it’s not going to be what I want/it’s not going to sound like me. Okay maybe that was three. All my life, I’ve had a journal and all my life I’ve used it to pour my heart out, but I’ve never actually been assigned to write something like this, it’s always been so strict which I hate but at the same time have learned to love because it’s easier than having to open up. I know I don’t have to pour my heart out in this essay but I really want to this is the one time that I get to talk about my experiences with writing about MY experiences, I get to use FIRST PERSON!!! Writing is the most important thing in my life and I know this is going to sound dramatic but I’d literally be dead without it. My writing really is just me opening up, all of my real experience with writing has just been me and my notebook. How great is it to have something that you can go to knowing that it’s not gonna talk back and it’s not going to judge you??! MY NOTEBOOK IS MY BEST FRIEND, it’s experienced all of my pain with me but all of my happiness too. I have really high highs and super low lows I’m a really emotional person which I think is the reason I find poetry so INTERESTING and HELPFUL, when I write it I don’t pause I let it all flow out of me just like Robert Frost in the figure a poem makes it’s like it all comes out and makes something beautiful and I look back and I don’t even remember writing any of it like all of that feeling that I had whether it was hurt or happiness just comes out through the led, I see all of this emotion I can’t believe was inside of me, I never realize how much is really going on in my head until it all comes out onto paper. I love being able to see how much my mindset has changed throughout the years I’m such a different person than I was two years ago and there’s so many feelings good and bad that I’m never going to be able to get back which is why I love Joan Didion’s on keeping a notebook, the way she makes the reader feel the same sadness she felt when she realized that the feelings she’d remembered she’d never able to recreate really got to me. There’s a lot of things in my life that I really want to remember but majority of it, are things I want to forget. I don’t like to remember the times I was happy because it just makes me want it all back, especially the people, I miss all the people. For a long time I thought that if I was sad I had no choice but to stay sad, that there was nothing I could do to change it, I realize now that that’s not the case! I didn’t have depression, I had a choice and after being treated like I was nothing by the people who were my everything for years I decided that I didn’t want to let people hurt me anymore. I started to know my worth. Being alone was so hard after having people for so long, I hate to admit it but when I had someone to talk to I sort of abandoned my journal and let me just tell you that was the worst experience EVER. I remember so clearly the day I realized that I was the only person I had, the only person that could make me and the only person that could break me. “You are never destroyed by anyone except yourself” I wrote down everything that I felt during that long period of time. I didn’t realize how much sense all of this made until I wrote it out, my mind was a mess there was so much emotion after not writing for so long. Writing has really made me the person I am I’m so completely lost without it nothing makes sense until I can get it out of my head and look at it from far away. Although, the people that have come and gone played a big role in my life too. After seeing how nobody really cares enough to stay I discovered the true meaning of the word inconsistent. These people are not the only ones who have a problem with being inconsistent as HECK. Unfortunately I’m probably the most inconsistent person you’ll ever meet. I’m definitely not proud of it and it’s not fun, I change my mind every five minutes about what I wanna say or what I wanna do. Some things though I can’t even control like my MOOD. My mood is so scarily inconsistent, I’ll be sobbing one minute and the next I’m smiling so hard my mouth feels like it’s going to fall off. My writing is like the exact same I can hardly control it it’s so all over the place all the time. It’s so hard to put everything down in a way that it makes sense. I don’t really make sense but I think that’s okay! I’ve always been a huge fan of growth and I think that where I am right now mentally is a really good stage in the growth process, as I’ve grown my writing has grown with me, I’m never going to let it go. I’m really content with the fact that writing is the only constant in my life, if I’m really honest I think it’s all I need.
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