Poetry by Melanie McFarlane, Senior

My Monster: Anxiety

by Melanie McFarlane

As children we’re told about monsters. They exist in fairy tales, under our beds and, in our closets. But how come no one dares speaks of the monsters that take up residency in our minds. Those that paralyze us and feed off our fears and uncertainties. My monster… my monster is anxiety.

He comes from nowhere and everywhere all at once. He creeps up in the dead of night when I’m sleeping and wakes me up. He makes my thoughts run marathons I’m in no shape to keep up with. Causing me to struggle to breathe as to strangle me in my own mind.  

Anxiety is in the form of so many things, it comes when i'm surrounded by people. They’re all talking so loud it feels like the room is caving in and suddenly I'm so small, and that’s when the monster comes in stomps on me leaving me vulnerable.

He’s laughing as I feel helpless and lost in the sea of those around me.

My monster comes in random shakes, loud sobs, and constant fidgeting. He’s the reason that it’s impossible for me to leave my bed some days. He plays movies, no he plays delusions in my head that I believe, so I don’t dare take the chance in even leaving my house. He makes it impossible to eat because of the nauseating feeling from the spinning room.

It’s a day to day battle that I often lose. It’s when someone touches my skin and suddenly I want to peel it  from my skeleton, sending it off to the dry cleaners. It’s when I’m disconnected from reality and I’m unconsciously digging my nails into my palms trying to reground myself. It’s finding random bruises on my legs from hitting them when I’m stuck in the abyss of my own prison.  It’s the Monster I so desperately wish to hide but never can.

He lead me to the hospital’s E.R where the staff kept telling me “just breathe concentrate on your breathing”  but in that moment I had no idea how to breathe. In that moment my monster was a snake wrapped around my throat, and it’s goal was to suffocate me. Leaving me just a shell of myself before he showed up.

My monster never goes away and can never be concurred.

My monster is anxiety.