Blur
by Jasmine Astorga
I was waking up to whiteness and everything was blurry. My throat felt so dry and I couldn’t speak for someone to get me some water. As I was trying to wake up I heard familiar voices but it was very faint. I turn around slowly to see that it was my mom and my godmother with big smiles on their faces but even I could see the concern they both carried with them. They told me that the procedure went great and all we need are the results from the biopsy to be in good shape. We got out of the hospital and we were driving back home. I felt so tired and drained out of any energy I last had.
A week or so went by and we were still waiting for an answer. It was a Wednesday evening after my brother’s baseball game when my mom got a phone call. She was quiet for a while and only listening to the person on the other end. Concern and worry was all I read on her face. We went inside and sat down. It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Total silence and the air felt heavy. It was dreadful.
We were all sitting there looking at each other. My mom finally opened her mouth and she said, “I don’t know how to say this or how to come about this. It’s not easy for me to tell you guys but Jenna honey, you have cancer.”
“Are you serious? But how did this happen?” I said
“I don’t know we have to go to the hospital first thing tomorrow morning.”
I sat there, all eyes on me. It didn’t really hit me yet at that moment. I felt like this wasn’t my life and that hopefully my mom would come out and say, “Ha! Gotcha!” But that would be just a sick joke and she would never do that to me. My mind went blank and I felt so numb.
It was a colder morning today but it was that fresh cold that hugs you. It was my mom and I that were going to the hospital. My siblings had to go to school. In the car we barely spoke. Everything felt awkward and it still felt like it wasn’t real. My mind was still in that state where I didn’t know anything. I was still feeling numb and this is another life I’m living for someone else.
We reached the hospital but i was in the children’s hospital since i was still 15 years old. Everywhere were children, small kids that were maybe 5 or even 3. Some were in wheelchairs with blankets over them with a nurse beside them. These poor kids don’t even understand why they’re there or what’s even happening to them. My heart filled with sadness and it the the first time in the past 12 hours that I felt any kind of emotion.
We went into a room to wait for the doctor so we could discuss what to do now. I have a habit to shake my leg when I’m nervous and I was biting my nails all the way to the nail bed. My mom was holding my other hand and was staring at the ceiling. There was a knock at the door and a cheerful woman popped her head in.
“Hi guys my name is Melissa Mason and I’ll be the person to come to with anything and everything. But we are here to discuss what will be happening moving forward from here, okay?”
“Okay,” I said quietly.
“First off I went to tell you that you didn’t do anything to get this. Ewing Sarcoma occurs and it just kinda happens. But what we’re going to is that you will have immediate chemotherapy and it’s going to be real intense.” At this point I wasn’t sure what I was expecting even though she went through everything. “Any questions?”
“I have one question, will I lose all my hair?”
“Unfortunately, yes you will.” she said with sadness in her eyes. That was enough for me.
Later that night I was admitted to the hospital to get a port so the chemo could go through the body and I could take blood from it. And then on I was starting off my first round of chemotherapy. I laid in bed feeling awful. I was feeling lethargic and I was getting so hot from the inside of my body. It was like I was cooking from the inside and no amount of cold air could help me. I kept asking the nurse to turn down the temperature but at was already 62 degrees in the room. My mom was with my the whole time she never went back home and told my Tia to stay with my brother and sister. I felt really bad because we’ve never really been apart like this. My mom had been my caretaker and I know it hurts her to see me like this. She always told me she felt helpless. This time she can’t take the scary beast away.
A little over three weeks past by and little by little my hair was coming out. Every morning I would look at my pillow just to see more hair come out. I would look in the mirror and I would see so many spots around my head. I felt so little and I felt less of a woman. From then on I would wear hats to try and hide the fact I was sick.
Being in the hospital was the worst thing to feel and see. All the walls were white and the lights were so bright you couldn’t even see what was at the end of the hall. I was so cheerful and happy but as months pass my old self deteriorated on the inside along with my physical appearance. I would avoid all mirrors because I couldn’t stand to look at myself for even just a second. My skin had turned grey and I was hairless. My bags were so heavy and dark it hung under my eyes like boulders. Laying in bed was all I was good for because I felt so drained, even if all I did was walk to the bathroom and go back to my bed. I never went out my room ever. My mom would try and convince me to go outside but I felt so depressed and my body was hurting so much. Everything hurt me.
Every time the nurse comes and gives my chemo I dread it so much. The medicine would go through my veins but the odd thing was that I could taste it in my mouth. The taste was like metallic. It was like I was eating old, rusty pennies and the taste was so bad I would have to vomit because it was so nauseating and disgusting. The worst part was that they had to do it every time they did chemo on me which was every single day.
It’s been about six months and it's already the beginning of October. My tumor had gone down significantly and I couldn’t be any happier. But that was only just the start. Dr. Mason said that now that I’m at the point that the tumor shrank, it's time to start talking about surgery to get rid of the tumor completely. My mom had worried eyes and sighed with concern. She was holding my hand tight and I just held hers right back. Since the tumor was in my face on my jaw bone, this was going to be a very risky and scary surgery. It was Dr. Mason with four other doctors in that tiny room. All I saw was white coats and white walls. I was having that overwhelming feeling. So much information was thrown at me like a baseball being thrown at a hitter. I felt lost. Dr. Mason said that the surgery was scheduled for October 4th and the whole thing would take 12 hours.
It was October 3rd, the day before my surgery was to begin. I was laying there in my bed wondering if I will make this. Will I live? Will I die? How will I look like? Will this cure me? My thoughts ran through my head a mile a minute. I was emotionally exhausted and I just wanted to close my eyes. I wanted to forget everything for just a while.
It was around noon when they were preparing me to go under anesthesia. My whole family was around the bed surrounding me with all their love, it felt like a warm blanket. Then the doctors came in to tell me that everything was ready. My heart jumped and raced. I had the tightness in the throat to keep me from crying. I didn’t want to cry in front of everyone because I wanted them to know that I’ll be okay and I’m not scared. But I was beyond terrified that I wanted to throw up. I kissed everyone and hugged them like it was the last time I’ll see them.
They took me into the surgery room and I was shaking so bad my teeth chattered. As I laid on the hard silver tomb I was blinded by bright lights and I felt my heart was in my ears. They put the mask over me and told me to count to 30. “1...2...3...4…” at this point everything was foggy and pitch white. I could still hear my heart in my ears but this time it was slower and slower. “...5...6…” and I was out cold.
I heard voices but they were so faint it was like a mouse whispering in my ear. I was slowly waking up and I couldn't speak because I had a tracheostomy done and I had tubes coming out of everything. I was so swollen and sore and I felt like I got hit by a train and I looked like it too. I think the worst part about this was no being able to speak. I wanted someone to hear me and I felt so trapped.
I felt so trapped in this endless cycle of doctors and nurses, chemo, check ups, complications and more chemo. No one knew exactly how I felt. People can see me and I could talk about it but no one will ever understand unless they were a cancer patient themselves. I was always tired and sore like I ran a marathon everyday. My mind would never sleep. The dark ends of my mind would show more and more of its face everyday. I had to keep positive or else I wouldn’t be happy. I hated every mirror I came across. I was so lifeless and wasting away and watching yourself turn into someone you don't know is terrifying.
As months went on I was recovering slowly but I made great progress. For one, I finally could speak after a week and a half and I was on my feet. Slowly but surely I was coming off chemotherapy medication as time went by. When I would fail I would try again and again because I know that I could do this. I know that I could fight this evil beast within me. I will not let it conquer me any longer. I had motivation and I had a purpose again. I wanted to live and I wanted to die when I’m 95 and not 15. I have a whole life to live and I’m not letting this go. I’ve never felt so alive in a long time.
It was April and I was completely off chemo and I was labeled as cancer free. Remission never felt so good. I’m thankful for my family because without their support I couldn’t have done this by myself. I’m so grateful for this second chance at life.
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